Sara sat hysterically crying in the driver’s seat of her minivan. She had parked under a bustling tree that towered over a wooden fence and created a safe spot to hide her tears. The tree came from her backyard and was thick and produced year-round grapefruit, which was enjoyed by her family and the local rats. But despite the cringy feeling of the rats running along their trails when her family would sit in the hot tub which was poorly placed below the tree, it was a shady tree, full of life.
The day had started out as a typical day, she had been running errands throughout her suburban neighborhood. Then she heard her mom's voice in her head. It was very strong as if she was sitting right next to her in the car. Sara heard, "Why didn't you tell me?" Then the overwhelming wave of emotions started to build, a sense of true love, understanding, happiness, sadness, and then joy. It was all too much to process. Sara knew she needed help. She pulled over and texted her good friend, Katy who lived a state away.
Though it was only one-time zone away from California, the blocks that Sara traversed between hitting send till a reply was received felt like she was driving across the country. The anticipation of those 3 little dots blinking with a response was as if time had stopped. For in that time span she was feeling so many emotions, she truly thought she was losing her mind. She’d felt emotions like this before, so this shouldn’t have been a big deal. However, the circumstances behind these emotions were enough to swell her eyes to such a blur that wiping away the tears was just not enough, she could no longer drive. While making a stop at the grocery store parking lot, a reply came in, “Yes, I’m free. I’ll call you in 10 minutes”.
Sara was relieved. She knew Katy would understand what was happening. Their friendship was bonded out of the waves of emotions and visions that they both were recently trying to understand.
While waiting, Sara felt she was being watched. She saw a little boy about the age of 5 watching her. He had blonde hair, a round head on a square jawline, and he was so excited and full of joy. He was in a pale yellow and blue plaid button-down casual shirt with khaki shorts and tennis shoes. An adorable mini version of his dad; the moment was priceless and overwhelming at the same time. This little boy was special and Sara didn't realize in that moment, that she had seen the boy earlier in the day. She didn’t realize his significance; though she felt a very strong connection to him. She had assumed he was like all the others, except, he was not going anywhere. He was getting closer and closer. He was so excited and jovial that she could do nothing more than find the time to stop and pay attention to him.
When she had texted Katy, Sara asked if Katy could sense him too? Katy said “Yes. I sense a little boy.” Sara, knew in her gut, she felt the excitement and answers coming quickly and being only a few blocks from home, she composed herself and drove to that shady spot. She barely put the car in park and she heard what seemed like the loudest chiming text reply. She then took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that were flowing and replied, "I think I know who he is". She was resistant to explain it via text, but she knew Katy and her had a special spiritual connection and that she would get it. Sara had to be vulnerable and tell someone the truth about what had happened 19 years earlier. Only a few words would need to be said for her friend to understand. Katy’s natural skill of claircognizance and clairvoyance were recently coming back to the forefront of her life pretty strongly. Sara’s awakening had also started but Sara’s experiences were fewer in-between. She was not quite as confident in herself and the emotional stress of this situation that was building, made it more difficult to fully understand what was happening. Sara needed another opinion.
Sara sat crying in her car hysterically saying “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Oh God”. Through the blubbering tears, she answered the call from Katy and somehow, she was able to speak even through the overwhelming realizations and pain of what was happening. She took a breath as she sat looking down the street toward the church on the corner. She told her friend that she could see the young boy holding hands with an older lady. The feeling was so strong, she could feel that the lady was familiar. Again, Sara heard the lady say, “Why didn’t you tell me?” as she looked down at the little boy. The lady and the boy were bathed in white light so much that they almost looked like paper dolls holding hands due to the light and shadows emanating from behind them. As Sara blinked her eyes and cleared the tears, she could see the lady and the boy coming more into focus. Without hesitation, she told Katy, “It’s my mom”. Sara then asked Katy if she could hear the little boy, she replied, “He won’t speak to me, he just wants to talk to you. He’s attached to you.” As fast as Katy could speak, Sara knew who the little boy was and a flood of emotion came over her again. She felt the weight of the truth being revealed, her mother now knew Sara’s darkest secret.
The weight of this secret mixed with the fresh pain of her mother’s passing, just 2 weeks before due to cancer, made for a moment that Sara could never have prepared for. Only 4 people on Earth knew Sara’s deepest secret. She never expected for her mother to find out, let alone after she went to heaven.
Sara and her mother had always been close while she was alive. Her mom was a loving and kind woman who dealt with a lot of challenges in life and still always managed to smile. She managed to find the light in all people she encountered and would encourage that light even when the person she was dealing with didn’t see their own light. She would smile and laugh like a loving mirror reflecting the person’s light back at them hoping they could see the beauty in themselves that she saw. She was such a giving soul that she devoted all her younger years to caring for her daughter Sara and her son Zack among a lesson filled first marriage of twenty-two years. Though Sara’s mom continued to shine her light within a second marriage, she still took on too much and somewhere between the buildup of smoking since she was 16 and taking on other people’s problems, her body and mind had nothing left to fight the cancer that ran through her like a damn that had broken and flooded every vein of escape possible.
Sara never wanted to add to her mom’s burdens. Sara recalled having been away at college and she was still dating her high school boyfriend of many years at the time, then she became pregnant.
Sara knew she was not capable of raising a child at the time. She knew the likelihood of her and her high school boyfriend getting married was not strong. She did not want to disappoint her parents. So many thoughts had passed through her mind. Sara had a small but diverse group of life examples to choose from; she had friends who had terminated pregnancies and her best friend was Catholic and very Pro-Life. She had analyzed what it meant to have a child at 19, unwed, and what kind of future it held. Sara knew, as the mother, she would be ultimately responsible for this tiny human. This baby deserved the best life, that Sara was not able to give at the age of 19. So, with no parental consent needed and her boyfriend’s support, they drove to the clinic 3 hours away. They listened to the compassionate staff explain the process and both felt the same emotional distress and fear. It was a tough day, week, and month as the reality settled in. As time passed, Sara did wonder what sex the child would have been and who the child would have looked like. Over the years she had sensed a little boy around her, but never put the puzzle pieces together. She did not begin to understand how life after death worked until the answers were given to her slowly over the previous year of her awakening. However, not until this special day, December 12, 2012, did she truly understand that the controversial choice she had made so long ago, was all part of life’s path.
In a matter of what seemed like seconds, Sara was processing the awakening moment of what her little boy looked like and that he was so happy to be with his grandma. Sara’s mom confirmed through Katy that she never knew of the termination. She conveyed a sense of sadness to Sara. See, Sara’s mom felt sad that her daughter would not have shared such a difficult time in life with her. Sara knew in her heart that her mom would never have judged her and just wanted to be there for her. But Sara had a sense of shame, at that young age that she would never reveal the secret to her parents. Katy then said, "your mom is saying that you need to release that guilt to be able to move forward in your spiritual path." To hear these words from her mother was comforting. Sara had an underlying guilt she had carried with her for so many years about not telling her mother and understanding societies shame on the subject. To be told, from heaven, that she must release her guilt- was life-changing. A weight had been lifted with this revelation and knowing that Sara’s mom was taking care of her baby boy, gave so much comfort to Sara. The love that Sara felt through the whole unveiling was at such an unconditional LOVE level, that even with her open mind of how the universe works she had such a hard time processing it all.
The closest way to explain the pure loving joy that her little boy was expressing was to compare it to when a typical 5-year-old makes a special gift in school and is so excited to share it, that you have to open it before you even get to the car because they want to see the joyous appreciation you have for their special effort. The happiness Sara’s little boy showed as he was with his grandma was priceless.
As the high point of emotion passed and Sara finally exited her car, a huge sense of freedom and wonder came over her, she stopped, looked at the sky, and said: "Lord, thank you."